I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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