is your mom at the bar?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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