someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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