I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
