wanna go halves on a baby?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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