I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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