just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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