Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
