I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
