Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
