hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
