Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
