shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
