Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
