keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
