everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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