dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
