i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
