omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
