My room smells like vodka and shame
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
