I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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