you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
