Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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