his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
