The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I die, sorry about rent.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
