I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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