I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
