new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
