Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
