Yo dont text me then not text me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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