I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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