Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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