i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
