I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
