The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
