can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There's always time for handjobs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
