I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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