i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
