I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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