Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
