my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
