WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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