If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
