Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
