Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
