I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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