are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
