The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
