They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
