I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
it's not cheating when I paid for it
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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