My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
