remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
