I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
