My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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