So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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